Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Sometimes, the comedy just writes itself. It's not tremendously good comedy, mind, but it gets the odd chuckle. Like when a scammer is too daft to understand simple emails.

You know it's going to be good when you get an email that has the subject "Message From De International Police". Was this written by Sgt. Detritus of the Discworld novels? No! It was written by Sgt. Dimwit of Interpol! Okay, actually, Clark Van, Regional Director of the International Police. Not. Or at least his non-existent secretary.

There's even a nice Interpol logo graphic.

INTERNATIONAL POLICE
De Uk Branch Office
Tell: +447011120298

Attn Sir Madam,

NOTIFICATION OF FUND RECOVERY

Due to the information we got from security agents in Nigeria and other african countries called Economic and Financial crime commission[EFCC] we decided to make contact to you, so that your funds can be recovered, we have been told to let all victims to know that some Nigerian Fraudsters /scammers have been caught in Nigeria by the Economic and Financial crime commission[EFCC] that is why they told us of the International Police[INTERPOL] to make contact to you to know if you have been scammed or defrauded of your hard earned money also we where told that us$10,500,000.00 has be recovered from this Fraudsters/ scammers and we will be refunded to there owners after we of the International Police have arranged a case file for them and send it down to Economic and Financial crime commission[EFCC] of Nigeria.
We have been mandated by the international community/ United Nation to make sure that all American /European and other who's money has been taken must be refunded, so contact the regional director of the International Police with the below info, so when contacting address your mail like this.

To Clark Van
The Regional Director
International Police
London-UK
Tell: +447011120299
Email: clarkvanpolglobal@gmail.com

The above contact will open a case file for you and pass it to Nigeria for recovery of your money.
Good luck. And God bless.

Miss Kate Jones
Secretary
International Police [INTERPOL]

Now, with brain surgeons like these, you can haggle for eons over the tiniest things. Here, I decide to make an issue of the lack of names and mugshots.

So, which scammers did you catch? I would like to see the mugshots.

That EFCC crackdown must be tough! Not only do they catch 'em, they cut 'em!

Many fraudsters has be cut by Economic and Financial crime commission[EFCC]
mostly in Nigeria, the big time players cut in Nigeria are Proff. Affred Obi, Senator Mike John,
Mr Musa Bello, Barr. Ike .T. paul, Senator Tom Ijeba, ALhaji usmane kelie, Senator Davis Rofan, Mrs Rose m. naitel and etc.
If you have been scammed or defrauded of your hard earned money, fill this form correctly and return it back to us, we are here to serve you well.
Police is your friend.
Thanks.
Clark Van.


And not just any scammers, but "big time players". And hey, look, one is Senator Davis Rofan, who I remember baiting.

There's also a lovely Word form attached. It's a masterpiece, people.

FILL THIS FORM CAREFULLY AND RETURN IT BACK.

USEFULL INFORMATIONS

Date of openning conversation: ………………………….

Date of first payment: …………………………………….

Date of last payments: …………………………………….

Name of payment (Receiver): …………………………….

Method of payments: ……………………………………..

FRAUDSTER’S INFORMATIONS

First Name: ……………………………………….

Last Name: ………………………………………..

Passport no (If any): ………………………………

Country :……………………………………………

Bank account (If any): ……………………………..

Telephone no: ………………………………………

Fax no: ………………………………………………

Email address: ……………………………………..

PERSONAL INFORMATIONS

First Name: ……………………………………….

Last name: …………………………………………

Passport no: ………………………………………..

Country: ……………………………………………

Telephone no: ……………………………………..

Fax no: ……………………………………………..

OFFICAL USE ONLY

THIS FORM SHOULD RETURNED WITH REGISTERATION FEE OF 500USD, METHOD OF PAYMENT MONEY GRAM ONLY.

File no: …………………… date of issue: ……………….

Registreation no: ………………….. official code: …………

Client full Name: ………………………………..

Fraudster’s full name: ………………………….

Signature Clark Van

……………………………..



What the heck, I'll bite. Only, I expect that Word format is going to be a bit of a pain. I had better complain about that.

That Davis Rofan was the one.

I don't have Word, so I can't fill out the form.


I figure I'll also tweak him and see if I can get him to scrounge up some "mug shots", since he's asking for money. After all, why should I pony up if he can't prove my scammer is in custody?

Actually, though, you had better send me Rofan's mugshot. I need to see if it's the same Rofan.

So... by now, you might be noticing this lad is not particularly talented at spelling, grammar and the English language. So it's no surprise that he fails the reading comprehension exam.

Fill the form and return it before other information of this man can be given to you. Police is your friend, we are here to serve you.


A bit off on the subject-verb agreement there, but what can we expect from a scammer who can't spell "The"?

I decide to press the Word format thing.

I can't open the form I do not have Word installed. The form is made in Word. Don't you have the form in some other format?


Naturally, he doesn't understand this request. His reaction is to repeat the obvious.

you review the attach file, print and fill with capital letters then forward it back to us.
Police is your friend, we are here to serve you.


My friend seems to be a bit thick. He also hasn't actually attached anything to this particular message, so I decide to be a jerk on that point, too.

There is NO file attached to this message. You forgot to attach it.


Ah, he's caught on to that point.

Here is the attached file again.


Mind, he has still not caught on that I "can't open a Word document", because he's sent me the same file yet again.

I decide to use a format he can understand. Short sentences, all CAPS.

It is still a WORD file. I do not have WORD. I CANNOT OPEN A WORD DOCUMENT. I NEED THE DOCUMENT IN SOME OTHER FORMAT.

Now I'm speaking his language.

He finally copies and pastes this masterpiece of a form into the email body.

INTERNATIONAL POLICE
De Uk Branch Office

FILL THIS FORM CAREFULLY AND RETURN IT BACK.

USEFULL INFORMATIONS

Date of openning conversation: ………………………….

Date of first payment: …………………………………….

Date of last payments: …………………………………….

Name of payment (Receiver): …………………………….

Method of payments: ……………………………………..

FRAUDSTER'S INFORMATIONS

First Name: ……………………………………….

Last Name: ………………………………………..

Passport no (If any): ………………………………

Country :……………………………………………

Bank account (If any): ……………………………..

Telephone no: ………………………………………

Fax no: ………………………………………………

Email address: ……………………………………..

PERSONAL INFORMATIONS

First Name: ……………………………………….

Last name: …………………………………………

Passport no: ………………………………………..

Country: ……………………………………………

Telephone no: ……………………………………..

Fax no: ……………………………………………..

OFFICAL USE ONLY

THIS FORM SHOULD RETURNED WITH REGISTERATION FEE OF 500USD, METHOD OF PAYMENT MONEY GRAM ONLY.

File no: …………………… date of issue: ……………….

Registreation no: ………………….. official code: …………

Client full Name: ………………………………..

Fraudster's full name: ………………………….

Signature Clark Van


Shpelling orbviously naught hiss stroing pint.

I actually fill out the form and put in the information for a scammer I baited once before, calling himself Senator Davis Rofan. Of course, I don't give a passport number.

Clark Van, the police that is my friend, replies:

THIS FORM IS NOT COMPLETE. YOU HAVE TO COMPLETE THE FORM TO HELP US WORK FOR YOU.
POLICE IS YOUR FRIEND.
Clark Van.


I beg to differ.

The form most certainly is complete. I filled in everything I know about Rofan. I can't fill in something that doesn't exist. Or do you expect me to make up a passport number when there is no passport?

I can't make up data that doesn't exist.

Oh, he's no fun. He cuts right to the chase about the money.

YOU HAVE TO RETURN THE FORM WITH 500 USD TO ENABLE US WORK FOR YOU.
POLICE IS YOUR FRIEND.



I point out the bleeding obvious. I'm good at spotting the bleeding obvious, and even better at pointing it out. Multiple times if need be.

If you think I'm going to pay 500 dollars for you to do your job, you have another think coming. If you were "my friend" you would do the job you are ALREADY PAID TO DO without asking for money.

You should be ashamed of yourself, asking for bribes. You are a disgrace to the uniform, and any self-respecting policeman would be thoroughly disgusted by your greed. No wonder your country is in such a mess, if the police won't even do their duty without being paid over and above their properly earned paycheck.

Ask "Senator Rofan" for the money, because I am not paying the police to DO THEIR DUTY.

Cue horse puckey and slightly steamed scammer.

YOU ARE NOT PAYING ANY MONEY TO ME RATHER IT IS FOR YOUR CASE FILE
IF I NEED MONEY FORM YOU 500USD IS PEANUT, SO WATCH YOUR TONGUE.
ABUSES, INSULTS ETC CANCLED.


My, he's so eloquent. I hope to pull him into a long, lovely exchange, but alas, this is my last letter to him.

YOU ARE NOT PAYING ANY MONEY TO ME RATHER IT IS FOR YOUR CASE FILE


REAL police do not ask for money to open a case file. You are not a member of the police. If you are, you should be hung up by your thumbs for asking for money to do your job.

IF I NEED MONEY FORM YOU 500USD IS PEANUT, SO WATCH YOUR TONGUE.


What are you going to do if I don't? Ask someone to pay you 500 dollars you don't deserve so you can open a case file on me?

ABUSES, INSULTS ETC CANCLED.


You can't even spell, can you? How pathetic. No wonder you have to ask people to send you money that you don't deserve. You certainly can't earn any with your brain power or your typing skills.


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